Walk While Reading

Gift

She is his greatest gift. Like the sun, that rises, over blue seas, and grass covered plains, that peaks through snow covered mountains, her brown eyes rise to look at him. 

He always wanted to have children. As early as he could recall he wanted to be a father. He never knew why, and looking back now, still doesn’t understand the reasons for wanting to be one. Some people do, others don’t, where the desire comes from, he’s not sure anyone knows. But it came for him, like smoke from a campfire comes for your skin. 

Then it happened, a life inside another. He remembers the tears of joy, and the fear that gripped his stomach. In a blink, like a flash of lightning in the summer sky, his life had changed. It was no longer what it was. It would never be the same and he didn’t care. His life had a new mission, a new puzzle to put together.

He was given nine months to prepare, to paint rooms pink or blue, to cover electrical outlets with plastic, to find the name his child will wear for a lifetime. He had already started to forget about himself. It happened without him knowing it. Who is your favorite band? I don’t remember. Remember two summers ago, that camping trip we went on? I don’t. 

Two hundred and seventy six days, give or take, and there you are. Alive, my, our, responsibility. He’s never looked after anything in his life. Excluding the family pets, in his youth, this is completely different. He did this, she’s in his arms, he made her. She has her mothers eyes, she has her fathers eye lashes. He will rock her to sleep, knowing when he’s put her down, softly in her crib, the universe will whisper in his ear “This is as close to perfect, we can offer you”.

She grows, becoming her own person. Then it happens, she’s five now and old enough to know he’s hurting. That somethings wrong with Dad. She’ll sit on his lap, and brush her fingers along the hair of his arms. She’ll want to hold his hand, everywhere and always. She wants to protect her Dad, she doesn’t know why, but she knows she has to. They’re too much alike she and him. 

That fear, again, is upon him. He doesn’t want what’s inside him anywhere near her. He’s angry, and crestfallen. He knows she will live an amazing life, but he sees it in her. The way she stares into space, her sensitivity, her smile, and the way she hides her feelings. He doesn’t know what to do. He asks her all the time, “what’s wrong sweetheart?”

“Nothings wrong Daddy”. He’s given the same answer, hundreds of times. He knows she hurts different then others do. He just wants to hold her, carry her all around, never let her go. He tells her he loves her, every chance he gets. 

His hope is she gets lucky. That the darkness in him and the one he thinks is growing in her, will get bored and go home. He wants her to never feel it, that the damage it can cause never touches her soul. 

He will continue to watch her grow. He will monitor the signs, like a hawk searching for prey. He will continue to battle the darkness, in hopes she’ll be able to see that it can be defeated. He will do his best to be strong, for her everyday. 

For he is her Dad, and for that he is grateful.